Disconnected

I really suck at keeping in touch with people. It’s not that I don’t care about them, or that they don’t mean anything to me. I guess deep down I feel like they’re better off without me pestering them. I know that most of the people that are physically in my life don’t have the same interests that I do. They look at me crazy when I try to explain Doctor Who and can’t grasp the appeal of Geocaching. I know these are new-ish hobbies, but the trend can be traced back as far as I can remember. I could never really convince even my childhood playmates that the games and toys I liked were really fun, so I always ended up going with their suggested pastimes  I had fun, sure, but I always felt a little left out, even with my closest companions.

I’m sure that on some level my bisexuality played some role in it all, not really sure how to express myself so that I was neither misunderstood nor neglected. So if I removed any chance of rejection or persecution it dulled the pain of the inevitable blow. As I’ve gotten older and pretended to mature (okay fine, as I’ve “grown up”) I’ve been able to not only pinpoint my social flaws and personality quirks, but to also accept them as these amazing pieces of who I am. I have loved and lusted after men and women. I have obsessed over fictional characters. I’ve had my heart broken, and I’ve broken a few hearts. I married my best friend and together we have carved out a place for ourselves in a world of nerdy references, road trips, and GPS adventures that 95% of the people in our lives DO NOT understand. I dream about size appropriate costume options for sci-fi conventions and have risked life and limb to dance the Time Warp in the shower. I am who I am!

Sometimes it’s easier for me to not call the would-be friends in my life because they aren’t as zealous about certain things as I am. I have even cut communications with people that I felt too attracted to (unreciprocated) for fear of crossing a line that can’t be retraced. I do get lonely. I do wish that I had more people that really forced themselves into my life and competed for my attention, but I doubt that will ever be the case. I’m happy with the little microcosm that is my life.

If I’ve lost touch with you, it’s because I love you and respect you too much to annoy you all the time. Or it’s because I want(ed) in your pants.

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