Another 4 letter F word – Fear

I’ve been sort of stuck on this all day. I really don’t think I’m ready. Things got really real this week when B turned in his 2 week notice at work. We’ve been talking about everything and making a few preparations and plans, but it really hadn’t hit me until today. I was snuggled up in bed with my oldest nephew watching Doctor Who and it occurred to me that I’m not going to have enough weekends with him to catch up to the current episodes. I’m not going to be around to make sure that he gets to see the newly aired episodes. I’m getting all teary eyed just thinking about how much I’m going to miss these precious bonding moments with him. And by tearing up, I mean I’m sobbing and snotting all over the place. My youngest nephew is too young to really imprint the memories we’ve gotten to make so far. I love these boys so very much and just when I’ve gotten to a point where I’m spending consistent quality time with them it’s time for me to pack up and move a thousand miles away from them.

I’m trying very hard not to feel guilty about going for these dreams that B and I have discussed. I’ve got to find a way to convince myself and I can trust my family to take care of my special needs cat so I can go adventuring before we move. I’ve pretty much had to embarrass my family to get them to see just how much care my uncle needs while he’s going through his cancer treatments. I feel like a such a jerk for the way I had to really let my cousin know that his dad has maybe a year left to live and that he’s hardly able to care for himself. He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t know when or what meds take on his own without someone to walk him through it, and so far I’m the only one who has taken the time to know. My mom his still coping with the loss of my grandmother and now she’s trying to prepare to say goodbye to her brother. All the while, her daughter is gearing up to move, not just out but AWAY.

Change is scary. I don’t know what this is because it’s way beyond scary. It’s absolutely terrifying. I trust my husband and I’d follow him to the moon. I know that this big crazy plan is the right thing for us in the long run. It’s the short term that I’m just not 100% about. We have no jobs lined up, or a place to live. We have NO IDEA where we’re going to wind up and what we’re going to do once we get there. We’re looking at being completely uninsured, unemployed, and practically homeless before we load up a U-Haul and head south. I know I’d be crazy if I weren’t at least a little scared, but I’ve got the butterfly-stomach and the stiff neck and shoulders of someone reaching panic attack levels.

I guess all there’s left to do is pray…for my family, my sanity, courage, common sense…for Boston, Massachusetts and for West, Texas…for law enforcement and doctors…for justice and liberty…for forgiveness, healing, and equality.


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