Another 4 letter F word – Fear

I’ve been sort of stuck on this all day. I really don’t think I’m ready. Things got really real this week when B turned in his 2 week notice at work. We’ve been talking about everything and making a few preparations and plans, but it really hadn’t hit me until today. I was snuggled up in bed with my oldest nephew watching Doctor Who and it occurred to me that I’m not going to have enough weekends with him to catch up to the current episodes. I’m not going to be around to make sure that he gets to see the newly aired episodes. I’m getting all teary eyed just thinking about how much I’m going to miss these precious bonding moments with him. And by tearing up, I mean I’m sobbing and snotting all over the place. My youngest nephew is too young to really imprint the memories we’ve gotten to make so far. I love these boys so very much and just when I’ve gotten to a point where I’m spending consistent quality time with them it’s time for me to pack up and move a thousand miles away from them.

I’m trying very hard not to feel guilty about going for these dreams that B and I have discussed. I’ve got to find a way to convince myself and I can trust my family to take care of my special needs cat so I can go adventuring before we move. I’ve pretty much had to embarrass my family to get them to see just how much care my uncle needs while he’s going through his cancer treatments. I feel like a such a jerk for the way I had to really let my cousin know that his dad has maybe a year left to live and that he’s hardly able to care for himself. He doesn’t eat. He doesn’t know when or what meds take on his own without someone to walk him through it, and so far I’m the only one who has taken the time to know. My mom his still coping with the loss of my grandmother and now she’s trying to prepare to say goodbye to her brother. All the while, her daughter is gearing up to move, not just out but AWAY.

Change is scary. I don’t know what this is because it’s way beyond scary. It’s absolutely terrifying. I trust my husband and I’d follow him to the moon. I know that this big crazy plan is the right thing for us in the long run. It’s the short term that I’m just not 100% about. We have no jobs lined up, or a place to live. We have NO IDEA where we’re going to wind up and what we’re going to do once we get there. We’re looking at being completely uninsured, unemployed, and practically homeless before we load up a U-Haul and head south. I know I’d be crazy if I weren’t at least a little scared, but I’ve got the butterfly-stomach and the stiff neck and shoulders of someone reaching panic attack levels.

I guess all there’s left to do is pray…for my family, my sanity, courage, common sense…for Boston, Massachusetts and for West, Texas…for law enforcement and doctors…for justice and liberty…for forgiveness, healing, and equality.

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Quality Check

We just checked in to a pretty nice place smack between a Big Boy and a Skyline Chili. After an all day drive, with a few geocache stops between Murfreesboro and Cincinnati, I’m pooped. I’ve really enjoyed the drive, but I didn’t expect how much I’d love driving across the Rain Man bridge or how beautiful the Mt. Lookout area is. We had burgers at Zip’s and some ice cream at the UDF across the street. I could get used to this place. B tells me that they have this thing called “WINTER” here and they’ve studied it for centuries and have these awesome machines called “SNOW PLOWS” that scrape the streets free of hazards. It all sounds so exotic. Has the “move” list gotten another choice? Hmmm…

Two new states checked off on day 220 in a row. We logged our 628th cache after dinner. What next? Sleep!

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Clarion My Wayward Son

Drove 3 1/2 hours to have dinner with step-son. Had a great visit and did a little restock shopping for his dorm room. I really miss hanging out with him. He’s such a great guy. I didn’t give birth to him, but I don’t let that get in the way of how much I love him. He was 10 when we met and seeing him grow up into this amazing man has been so rewarding. I know that I can’t claim 99% of what it took to make him into what he is, but I can’t help but think that somewhere, somehow – I have contributed to his nerdiness. I am so proud of that guy!

Since we’ve come this far we’re going to head up into Cincinnati tomorrow to grab geocaches in Ohio and Indiana before heading home. My awesome brother is taking care of Bella the Seizure Cat and Luxor the Attention Whore while we’re gone and my mom and dad said they’d get all persistent with my uncle to take his meds while I’m away. He doesn’t have any appointments until Wednesday. He starts the first of six cycles of chemo and I think shit is about to finally get real. He’s told me that he hasn’t really figured out how he feels about all this. I think being told that you’ve got 6 months to live without chemo or a year with it, and knowing that you’ve got at least six months of chemo ahead of you has got to be an eye-opener. I’ve told him that whether he wants the chemo or not I support his choice and am willing to stand with him for as long as he wants me to. He didn’t respond, but I hope he accepts it as truth. I don’t want to give up on him yet. I just hope he doesn’t give up on himself.

I got to watch some Doctor Who with my nephew last night. We got him a mini sonic screwdriver that lights up but doesn’t make the buzzy sound. He’s tried sonic-ing everything he can think of to see if the insanely bright light and his own noise making will affect anything. It didn’t really work…until he happened to sonic Luxie right before she hacked up a hairball. He was really surprised. I wasn’t surprised that I got stuck cleaning it up.

Checked into a Clarion and headed to sleepy town. There’s grown men acting like idiots at the pool (RIGHT OUTSIDE MY ROOM), the air conditioner won’t stay on, and the power button on the remote doesn’t work. Oh well, I’ve got my man..who could ask for anything more?

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Frustration

I’ve been unemployed for over a month and have been “helping out” my uncle for most of that time. He’s moved in to my parents’ house and has pretty much set up camp on the couch in the living room. We’ve established him a bedroom with a big screen TV and all the squishy pillows he could ask for, but he maintains his perch passed out on the couch. I understand not wanting to be alone, but even on days when everyone is out of the house at work or on errands, he prefers to sleep on the couch than in the bed. Also, he keeps complaining to the doctors about this symptom or that symptom and keeps getting more and more prescription medications, but REFUSES to take them. I know he’s depressed and in a lot of pain. I feel so selfish in thinking that my efforts are unappreciated. I don’t even care if he likes what I’m doing for him. I just need to know that he wants me around. I just don’t know that I can continue putting for the effort for someone who doesn’t want it. I am so frustrated. I am afraid that I’m treating him more like a child than an uncle. “You need to eat to take your meds.” “You need to take your meds to feel better.” “Did you eat?” “Did you take your meds?’ “Don’t pick and choose them. They’re already sorted out for your daily doses. Just open the Monday container and take them all.”

I just want to scream sometimes. You keep complaining but won’t do what you KNOW will at least make you feel a little better.

My parents keep asking me to do this or that for my uncle, but they aren’t willing or able to do it themselves. His son and brother barely seem interested in the process at all. I can’t keep doing this by myself. My uncle isn’t participating in his own care. He’s just there. I don’t know what to do.

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Tom Baker

I can’t help but wonder how many times Tom Baker tripped over his ridiculously long scarf. Don’t get me wrong, I’m certain that the Doctor’s 12 ft. scarf is one of the best costume choices that has been made in the run of the show- but that scarf has spent entirely too much time dragging the ground. Poor Tom Baker had to have fallen because of it at least a hundred times over his tenure as the good Doctor. I’m sure that eventually the habit of shifting it and compensating for it because second nature, but not without a few painful lessons first.

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Pea soup!

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Foggy Friday morning. Made the trek to the best breakfast in town through dense fog and crazy drivers. So worth it!

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April 5, 2013 · 12:23 pm

Put On Your Red Dress, Baby

Jenny Lawson is a beautiful and vibrant soul. I’m a big fan of her and I follow her blog religiously. She has inspired so many people through her “mostly true” memoir and her sharing of her day-to-day struggle and triumphs. In 2010 she started a grand movement. Thanks to her, countless women have been treated to the sense of beauty that only a traveling red dress can provide. Please visit http://thebloggess.com/2010/05/the-traveling-red-dress/ for more info. 

I recently sent off a red dress to a beautiful soul that I met by chance the one and only time I used Omegle random chat service. She lives over 1000 miles away from me and we’ve never met face-to-face, but when we talk it’s like we were born to be friends. Of all the people I know or have known, she seemed the most deserving of this honor. I also included a copy of “Lets Pretend This Never Happened” to help her on her journey. I hope these small tokens show her just how important and amazing she is. 

The Hubby and I are currently in “Spring Training” for our big Geocaching road trip this summer. I really hope we can make it to visit my far-away friend and see what sort of impact the dress has had for her. 

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